Built Through Grace: 20 Years of Choosing Marriage
Our Beginning
When I first married my husband, we were young, really young. The odds were definitely against us. We didn’t make much money, and we were separated for much of our early marriage due to military training and deployment.
Tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary.
Marriage and the Military Context
Joe and I work closely with military personnel and their families, and marriage is often under strain. Divorce rates among active-duty military personnel are higher than those in the civilian population.
When you share a milestone like ours, people often say, “Good for you,” or assume, “You must be a perfect match.”
I would love to think we are a perfect match—but we are both very strong personalities. I’m always right (wink, wink)… but my husband also thinks he’s always right. Yikes.
Our marriage hasn’t endured because life has been easy or because of perfect compatibility. In many ways, the statistics were still against us. What has helped our marriage not only endure but thrive is our relationship with God—individually and as a couple—and our willingness to walk in humility and grow through friction.
Why Marriage Matters (Biblical Perspective)
Culturally, this isn’t always a popular topic, especially within a biblical framework. Many people want thriving marriages but are unwilling to live within the boundaries God has established.
So why does marriage matter to God, and why should it matter to me as a Christian?
In Genesis, God created Adam and said it was not good for him to be alone. He then created Eve as a “help mate”—the Hebrew word ʿēzer, meaning to help, aid, or support, denoting strength and power. In Western culture, the influence and position of women are often minimized, but biblically, both husband and wife together reflect the character of God.
Marriage is God’s design. He called it good and commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. In the Old Testament, marriage is defined as a covenant. In the New Testament, we see that marriage between one man and one woman points to the eternal relationship between Christ and the Church.
A husband’s love for his wife should reflect Christ’s love for the Church. Wives are called to submit to their husbands (hypotassō), which means a voluntary yielding in love, not weakness, but strength used to support and come alongside a spouse. This teaching may not be popular in culture, but it is biblical. It also does not limit a woman’s ability to work or pursue goals.
What Has Helped Our Marriage Thrive?
Communication
Communication is key.
Most of our arguments—or what my pastor calls “passionate discussions”—stemmed from poor or incomplete communication. Just as you would communicate clearly with coworkers, your spouse deserves that same clarity and intentionality.
Understanding your spouse’s personality is also crucial. My husband is very rational. If I approach him with pure emotion and no structure, he struggles to hear me. But when I communicate the same feelings more clearly and calmly, he is far more receptive. This doesn’t invalidate my emotions—it simply helps them land more effectively.
Expectations
Many conflicts in our marriage came from unspoken expectations.
Whether it’s roles in the home, responsibilities, or even weekend plans—if expectations aren’t communicated, they likely won’t be met. When we take time to express our desires, we give our spouse the opportunity to meet them.
Money
Most marriages have a saver and a spender.
I used to think my husband was a “dream crusher” because he always asked about the cost of my ideas. But once we created a budget together—including designated “fun money”—we both became more accountable and content with how we managed finances. The budget actually gave us freedom as we could each spend within our budgetary limits.
Boundaries in Relationships
I’m an extrovert and grew up with two brothers close in age, along with their friends, who became like family. Because of that, I’ve always been comfortable forming friendships easily.
However, healthy boundaries in relationships—especially with the opposite sex—are essential in protecting a marriage.
Learning from the Past
We all enter marriage with examples—both good and bad.
While I won’t go into detail about ours, I strongly encourage you to seek out couples who are pursuing God and modeling a healthy marriage. Ask them to mentor you. Even if you come from a strong family background, having neutral, godly guidance can be invaluable at any stage of marriage.
Why Marriage Is Worth Fighting For
Marriage matters deeply. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t face so many challenges and pressures. The biblical design for marriage reflects Christ’s relationship with His Church. It’s no surprise that it is often under attack.
Conclusion
Joe and I have reached another milestone—not because everything came easily or because we are perfectly compatible (though I do think we’re pretty great together), but because we’ve leaned into our faith during difficult seasons and chosen humility toward one another. God has carried us through so much together.
If you and your spouse are in a difficult space in your marriage, I would encourage you to get counseling and choose to continue to work toward health. God is in the business of healing.
Resources
The Five Love Languages – Gary Smalley
The Five Love Languages: Military Edition – Gary Smalley
Mission-Ready Marriage – Ashley Ashcraft
Financial Peace University – Dave Ramsey